Vulnerabilities

So I read this book "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brene Brown.  It was interesting.  I didn't get as much out of it as I thought I would, but it made me think, so that was good.  (Or maybe not....sometimes I think too much.)

Anyway....something she talked about frequently....or at least stuck out to me was vulnerabilities and how we tend to hide them.  Are you a vulnerability hider?  I think everyone is, it's just how much so.  Brown talked about how there are three areas in which people are the most vulnerable: dancing, singing and laughing.   I found this SO interesting.  I know there are people who don't like to do these things because they are embarassed, but man alive, I am not one of them.   Here's a bit about me on each of these topics

• Laughing - I snort when I laugh.  Sometimes really loud.  I get teased about it, I get egged on to try to get a snort.  Friends and family judge how funny something is by how many times I snort.  Sometimes I'll try to hold it in (which essentially means it is delayed, they always come out), but HECK, IT'S ME!  It's who I am.  I didn't used to snort.  Something happened during my pregnancies....it started after Peder was born and got way more prevalent after the girls.  I'm the girl who laughs so hard she snorts.  I'd rather laugh so hard I snort then not laugh at all.
• Singing - I sing A LOT.  I sing to my kids, I sing in the shower, I sing along with the radio.  If you're driving down the road and you start laughing at someone who is jamming along to the radio, it's probably me you're laughing at.  There are pictures of me unabashedly singing my guts out on facebook.  Yep, I'm the girl who can't carry a tune but sings at the top of her lungs.
• Dancing - OH MY GOODNESS!  I love to dance!  L-O-V-E IT!  We have dance parties around our living room and kitchen.  If I hear a song I like while at a store or restaurant I will start singing and dancing along.  I'm pretty sure I get this from my mom (She was SO embarrassing when I was a kid! LOL).  I have memories of dancing around with my parents when I was growing up and one of my favorites is dancing around a cabin we rented to the song "If I had a Million Dollars" the summer before I left for college.  Right now my workouts are to Just Dance 2 and Gold Gym's Dance Workout on our Wii.

Apparently these are not my vulnerabilities.  I'm a free spirit.  I don't embarrass easily.  I will NEVER be ashamed of having a good time through laughing, singing or dancing.   These things help to get me out of my head when I'm thinking too much, when I'm very grumpy or when I'm just having a hard day.

This is my current favorite song to sing and dance to.  I crank it every time I drive to school.  Don't let a moment slip away!

Flowers and an Idea

On Saturday night Peder stayed over at my parents' house after we had spent the day there. We were all supposed to meet for lunch, but I was unable to walk without a great deal of pain (see the crutches in the background, that's how I got around). Peder was very sad that I wasn't there to get him when Jake picked him up. As they were on their way home Peder said to Jake, "Daddy, we should get Mommy flowers." They stopped to get them and Peder picked them out all by himself. Jake provided financial backing. Seriously....he is SUCH a sweet little boy.

Me with the sweetest little boy and the flowers he brought me. You should have seen the smile on his face when he came around the corner from the kitchen with them.

The bouquet in it's place of honor. I can see them from my chair when I can't get around.

More of a close up. He picked out a bouquet with some of my favorite flowers in it. It's gorgeous!

Now onto my idea. I've been really thinking of what I can do to help with blood donation. So I have been seriously considering hosting a blood drive every January in honor of the kids. I'm thinking January because that was when Emmy received her numerous blood transfusions. I have an idea of where to have it and I am really thinking it would be a great way to help others. So I'm thinking in a couple months I'll be contacting the Red Cross to talk to someone about doing a blood drive. If it goes well, it would be my hope to have it be an annual event. Thoughts?

I seem to be random

I am starting to write posts that are just a compilation of my random thoughts or activities of the time since my last post. A lot of times when I sit down to write my blog it is at the end of the day or when I get a moment of peace, so that is never conducive to a thoughtful post about some of the things I encounter daily. If I had the ability to write daily, you would all know that I can form long complete, thoughtful posts that aren't just a bunch of jibberish. Until then you get the jibberish! :)

1. I continue to be completely enthralled with my and Jake's genealogy. I got the ancestry.com program Family Tree Maker and have been entering information since. It's pretty cool and I'm very excited. I just find it so interesting.

2. I bought the Family Tree Maker program at a "Liquidation Sale" at the St. Paul River Centre. That and the 3 pairs of sunglasses I got made the trip worth it, but we will NEVER go again. I have an issue with crowds and cannot handle strange people bumping into me. Couple that with 2 booths selling perfumes (scent overload) and several booths selling speakers (sound overload) and you get a guarantee of never seeing me at one of those again.

3. We picked out a new paint color for our kitchen walls on Friday. I think we are going to end up with a much nicer kitchen, even with just painting the cupboards and walls. We're hoping we can get some new countertops in the next couple of months too. This "remodel" is just a little project to get it looking somewhat nice until we can do the one we're planning in a couple of years.

4. A quote from the book my book group is reading right now, Speaking of Faith by Krista Tippett:

I sense that seeing the world the way God sees the world means, in part,
grieving in places the world does not forgive, and rejoicing in places the world
does not notice. It would mean, therefore, to live with a patience that
culture cannot sustain, and with a hope the world cannot imagine.

I love that quote and I see it as a great way to view life and the world. I would LOVE to say thaqt I have great patience, but I DON'T. It is something I've really been trying to work on, but seem to be failing miserably at. I told Jake the other day that I think God always puts slow drivers in front of me to teach me patience and once I learn patience I will no longer get stuck behind slow drivers (it's a joke between us, I always get stuck behind people going 10+ miles below the posted speed limit). Patience is something I REALLY want to have and am trying to learn, but struggle with on a regular basis.

I think I have a great deal of hope. This has really changed about me in recent years. I used to not be a hopeful person, a real pessimist actually, but now I see things and hope for the best. I do tend to get discouraged at times or when I see a great atrocity committed, but I really do have hope for humanity as a whole.

5. The girls had their first set of pig tails today. Pretty stinkin' cute.

6. Peder crawls into bed with us every weekend morning and snuggles between Jake and I before we head downstairs and get the girls. I love that we that and how cute he is tucked under the covers between us.

7. Jake is such a good hubby and daddy. I love watching him with the kids. They have their little routines that they do and they are just so cute when they play.

Heartbroken

That is the only way to describe how I am feeling right now. I am heartbroken for all three of my children. I'm doing my best to try to balance taking care of them, but it's REALLY hard to do when one of them is in PICU and very sick.

I'm heartbroken for Emmy. That she has to go through this crud. That she is in pain and doesn't know what is going on. That I can't make it all better with a kiss, the way owies are supposed to be taken care of. I want to be laying in that hospital bed rather then her.

I'm heartbroken for Mari. She has a nasty chest cold and is absolutely miserable. I went home to pack some things for the hospital and to see Peder and Mari before they headed up to my parents. Mari followed me around, clung to me, snuggled me, and cried when I tried to pack my clothes. It breaks my heart that she is not feeling well and I can't give her the comfort and snuggle time she needs from her mommy.

I'm heartbroken for Peder. He showered me with love and affection yesterday and we had some nice chats while I was home. He kept telling me that he wanted to stay home and he wanted me. When it was time for them to leave I handed him off to my dad, he burst into tears and cried, "I want my mommy." Every time we talk to him on the phone he tells us he wants one or both of us. He doesn't understand what is going on and he just wants to be home and to play with Mommy and Daddy.

So I'm heartbroken and torn, because all my kids need me right now and I need to figure out how to be there for all of them. My parents are bringing Peder and Mari tonight and we're going to all go get dinner in the cafeteria and spend some time hanging out in the family lounge. This will give us a chance to spend some time with them and my parents can visit Emmy. We're hoping that once Emmy is out of PICU we can rearrange how we're doing things and one of us can be home with Peder and Mari every morning until nap time in the afternoon and then head over here for the rest of the day.

This has been a really hard thing for me. I miss my kiddos and I want to be there for all of them. I want to be able to do something fun and not worry about medical issues for awhile....

Soul Food and the deep need for it

Last night I got some great soul food....my book group was finally back in session. It was a smaller group then normal, but it was SO great to start reconnecting with this group of women. Seriously, who would have thought that 3 weeks without them would leave me feeling so grumpy. This group is so good for my soul. Not only do I learn a lot, but they're my friends and a great support system.

I got to talk to someone besides Jake or my family about my excitement for Emmy's upcoming surgery and concern for what the future holds when it comes to future surgeries. I also got to vocalize my concerns with my current level of pain when it comes to my pelvis. I talked a lot this week, apparently I had a lot I needed to get off my chest. I've been down in the dumps because of the level of pain I'm in and because we haven't had a healthy house since December 16th....someone has been sick since then.

Anyway, I got my soul fed and am hoping that will help me get over this crud I've been fighting. Besides being grumpy about being sick and in pain, things are actually going pretty well around here. I love my little family and every day feel overwhelming love and joy. I got home from book group last night and went to say good night to all the kids (they were all awake in their beds). I got a great, "HI MOMMA!" from both of the girls when I walked into their room and they both instantly reached for me for hugs. Then I told Peder I was going to come and tuck him in and he got a HUGE smile on his face and went running back to his bed. I said good night to him and we both shared a long belly laugh....I love that I'm SO hilarious to these kiddos. Then I got to spend some time chatting and snuggling with Jake on the chaise lounge. LOVE IT! An exhausting day, but it ended perfectly.