Saturday, January 31, 2009

Heartbroken

That is the only way to describe how I am feeling right now. I am heartbroken for all three of my children. I'm doing my best to try to balance taking care of them, but it's REALLY hard to do when one of them is in PICU and very sick.

I'm heartbroken for Emmy. That she has to go through this crud. That she is in pain and doesn't know what is going on. That I can't make it all better with a kiss, the way owies are supposed to be taken care of. I want to be laying in that hospital bed rather then her.

I'm heartbroken for Mari. She has a nasty chest cold and is absolutely miserable. I went home to pack some things for the hospital and to see Peder and Mari before they headed up to my parents. Mari followed me around, clung to me, snuggled me, and cried when I tried to pack my clothes. It breaks my heart that she is not feeling well and I can't give her the comfort and snuggle time she needs from her mommy.

I'm heartbroken for Peder. He showered me with love and affection yesterday and we had some nice chats while I was home. He kept telling me that he wanted to stay home and he wanted me. When it was time for them to leave I handed him off to my dad, he burst into tears and cried, "I want my mommy." Every time we talk to him on the phone he tells us he wants one or both of us. He doesn't understand what is going on and he just wants to be home and to play with Mommy and Daddy.

So I'm heartbroken and torn, because all my kids need me right now and I need to figure out how to be there for all of them. My parents are bringing Peder and Mari tonight and we're going to all go get dinner in the cafeteria and spend some time hanging out in the family lounge. This will give us a chance to spend some time with them and my parents can visit Emmy. We're hoping that once Emmy is out of PICU we can rearrange how we're doing things and one of us can be home with Peder and Mari every morning until nap time in the afternoon and then head over here for the rest of the day.

This has been a really hard thing for me. I miss my kiddos and I want to be there for all of them. I want to be able to do something fun and not worry about medical issues for awhile....

5 comments:

Megs said...

I'm so sorry, Melissa. I can't tell you how often I have cried for you and your family this week -you are all on my heart and in my prayers. Just hang in there, is all I can say. You and Jake are wonderful parents - and all of your kids know exactly how much you love them! You will all get through this and once again be all together - able to laugh and hug, cuddle and play. You're so lucky to have wonderful grandparents near by - to care for and love your little ones while you are hanging onto Emmy.

By the grace of God, you guys will get through this! In the meantime, know that you are loved, that your family is surrounded by LOTS of prayers, and that joy is just around the corner!

Much love.
Megs

Beth said...

Melissa... I feel so bad for you.. I can't even imagine the pain or agony that you are experiencing... I am relieved to know that your parents are there to help take care of Peder and Mari... tomorrow will be good when you can have a meal together! Hang in there!

Carol E. said...

Oh, sweetie... this is what I was thinking would be causing you heartache. You can only do what you can do, and then rely on others and God to help with the rest. I know, easier said than done. I pray that you will find the balance and peace of mind that you need. And may Emmy soon recover and be home where she belongs. Hugs!!!

Patricia said...

This is the first time I have read your Blog, but got here because I read Carol's everyday. However, my heart goes out to you and your family. Not only am I a nurse but also a mother and grandmother. Take each day at a time---doing what you can and praying that whatever wasn't done will be taken care of. It's hard right now, but it looks like you have what others don't have, a loving supportive group of family and friends. I am saying a prayer for you---feel loved in the warmth of those prayers!

God's Love!

Patricia

Jill said...

Being torn between your children is awful! I can relate, and I don't have much advice to give. It just sucks! Do your best to find positive people and thoughts and surround yourself in it! This will pass and you will again be home with your babies (All of them!!)
Stay strong!! If you need anything I am not far away. Take Care!!
~Jill